The newness and excitement around returning to the U.S. is rapidly giving way to panic. In May I'm supposed to start paying back my student loans from grad school. I won't have health care. I want to start acupuncture school in November. I have no idea how I'll be able to finance my education. There are scholarships available, but it's first come first serve and I have to be seeing an acupuncturist regularly to apply...which is also expensive.
Despite my weekend being pretty good, I keep having meltdowns. The cost of transition, which is something will have to come out of my own pocket. The hormones are affordable enough...but top surgery will cost around $8-10K. My first appointment with the pro-tranny endocrinologist, courtesy of Spain's socialized medicine, is supposed to be on April 1, but there's really no point in going anymore. I'll be leaving Barcelona on April 30. I don't know if you stateside people realize how difficult it is for me not to stay in Barcelona and at least have that particular basic need met. If I can't find a way to have medical assistance, I don't know how I'm going to cope. Not being me is becoming more and more intolerable. Those of you that read my blog have different levels of understanding around trans issues, but I'm not in a place to where I feel like explaining trans 101. If you need to, Google it.
I'm really freaking out about everything and feeling embarrassed that I'm not very good at life. It's hard not to give up. I do try to appreciate the good people and things I have, but all of this is very overwhelming.
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