Hey Dad!

This reminded me of you.

Lifesavers

I'm ok now.  My counselor talked me out of the panic vortex spiraling into a pit of despair.  Duke is also making me get off the computer and go outside of my cave into the not-so-terrifying world.  He doesn't like it when I turn into a zombie and watch Batman all day.  He is a bit hypocritical though.  

My head is exploding with worrie$

It's 1:30 AM right now and I am in insomnialand.  

The newness and excitement around returning to the U.S. is rapidly giving way to panic.  In May I'm supposed to start paying back my student loans from grad school.  I won't have health care.  I want to start acupuncture school in November.  I have no idea how I'll be able to finance my education.  There are scholarships available, but it's first come first serve and I have to be seeing an acupuncturist regularly to apply...which is also expensive.  

Despite my weekend being pretty good, I keep having meltdowns.  The cost of transition, which is something will have to come out of my own pocket.  The hormones are affordable enough...but top surgery will cost around $8-10K.  My first appointment with the pro-tranny endocrinologist, courtesy of Spain's socialized medicine,  is supposed to be on April 1, but there's really no point in going anymore.  I'll be leaving Barcelona on April 30.  I don't know if you stateside people realize how difficult it is for me not to stay in Barcelona and at least have that particular basic need met.  If I can't find a way to have medical assistance, I don't know how I'm going to cope.  Not being me is becoming more and more intolerable.  Those of you that read my blog have different levels of understanding around trans issues, but I'm not in a place to where I feel like explaining trans 101.  If you need to, Google it.

I'm really freaking out about everything and feeling embarrassed that I'm not very good at life.  It's hard not to give up.  I do try to appreciate the good people and things I have, but all of this is very overwhelming.  

Could it be the big one???

Hey West Coast, watch out.  Stock up on bottled water and canned good.  Perhaps you should consider a trip to Arizona or Utah this month.  

The gods are bowling + an update on my weekend

It has been raining in Barcelona for the last several days, reminiscent of the Pacific Northwest at about this time of year only not as cold.  Right now the skies are full of thunder and lightning and I'm reminded of SoCal storms.  I can hear little apartment dogs all over the neighborhood accompanying the crackling, flashing purple sky.  I had Catalan class this morning, but laying in bed half asleep was just too delicious.  Plus, the utility of learning that language is going to be very short-lived for me.  Being the nerd that I am, I love going to school, but it really isn't worth it anymore to invest time in learning a precious, but obscure language.

This last weekend was mostly laying around and being self-indulgent.  On Thursday night, one of my roommates offered me a Moroccan pastry I just couldn't resist: crispy, flaky dough - shiny glaze - sweat peanut filling - sprinkled with pistachio dust.  By Friday morning, I was writhing in pain from disregarding my food allergy.  I was late to Spanish class that afternoon because the cramping made it hard to walk.  Later that day I had to cancel my class with the 5 year old twins because I couldn't get out of bed.  I spent most of Saturday in bed as well, recovering from the stomach cramps, watching movies, and generally getting cozy during the storm.

Sunday was my sushi date with Jen.  We went to Nakashita in Born.  For some reason, I was not all there that day.  It should have taken me 15 minutes to get there, but instead...

1. I missed the metro stop to transfer lines.
2. In an effort to correct my mistake, I transferred at a different station, but I took the metro in the WRONG direction.
3. I had to get off the train, get back on in the correct direction and then transfer to get to the correct stop.
4. I had forgotten the map I had drawn.  It would have taken me about 25 minutes to walk to the restaurant from my flat instead of 45 minutes on my ridiculous metro route.

Anyways, Nakashita  is a darling little restaurant near Arc de Trionf.

The food was decent, but ordering sushi in Barcelona is definitely not the same as in the U.S.  They had no tea.  Also, they didn't have a list of fish with the pictures.  I don't know the names of a lot of the fish in English, and I definitely don't know them in Spanish.  I tried to order some things with the Japanese names and the server was super confused.  It was no Maneki.  The rolls were a little skimpy on the rice and not rolled very tightly, but I did manage to get my unagi fix.  

After sushi, Jen and I went to Ciutadella Park to meet up with her girlfriend, Martha, and Martha's parents who were visiting from England.  The park was filled with screaming children, tap dancers, and feral parrots.  

We had tea (well, everyone else had tea and I ordered wine).  the cashier at the bar tried to charge me 4€ for a glass of wine which is normally never more than 2.50€.  I yelled, "NO," and he said, "3.50€".  I grumpily paid.  In hindsight, I should have just stormed off or kept bargaining.  

To complete my day of decadence, I bought myself a fat cup of gelato: cinnamon, pistachio, and dulce de leche.  

Right now, I'm waiting for the storm to let up a bit so that I can take Duke out for a poo.  He doesn't like to go when it's raining.

Paying Attention

I'm not a religious person, but I would consider myself spiritual.  If the world doesn't have magic and mystery in it, I am not interested.  The day before I decided to go back to the U.S., I dropped my watch on the floor.

Now, this watch is a sturdy fossil watch.  It has gone through a lot of wear with no tear.  Generally, I refer to it as my "sexy man watch".  It was a Christmas present from my sister and my dad after I told them about not really being a girl.  When I accidentally dropped this watch, it shattered on the inside, but the outer glass* was intact.  Maybe it was coincidence, but I am going to take it as a sign.  Basically, my time is up in Barcelona and this particular phase of life.  I need to go home and get that watch fixed.


*Before I proofread this, "glass"originally said "girl".  In error?  Maybe accidentally on purpose.

Boomerang

I have no idea how to blog the inner workings of my mind and I realize this post is probably very vague to everyone, but me.  There was no significant event that brought me to this conclusion. I just paused for a second, realized I grew up a little, and decided it was time to go back.

I've decided to return to the States not because I am homesick and not because I am sick of Barcelona.  I came to Barcelona because I wanted to live outside the U.S. for a year...if we round up, I will have done that.  I also wanted to learn a different language.  While I am nowhere near fluent in Spanish, I have the survival basics down.  I also needed to play Peter Pan for a while...call it a quarter life crisis, reclaimed adolescence, or a delayed gap year.  There was a lot of sorting to be done in my head and heart.  That is, of course, a work in progress, but it is sorted enough to get on with the next step of my life.

Barcelona is magical and it can only be a transitionary - transformative - transgressionary place for me.    It is filled with amazing people and adventures...always seductive.  I'm also constantly broke, struggling to exist in a society where I am undocumented (the Perfectionist in me still wants to rise to challenge of "making it" here).  Since I've done what I needed to do, continuing to stay would mean Barcelona would become a distraction, a self-imposed obstacle to what I need to be doing with my life.  I could put more effort into my own version of Never Never Land or I could actually do something that would be truly meaningful to me.  As some of you know, studying acupuncture and working with trans/gender variant/other category of rad is my next big journey.

There are a lot of logistical things I need to care of now.  The tentative plan is to move back to LA for a month or so (my dad is already gleefully preparing his empty nest) to see the fam.  I haven't spent more than a week with them for almost 10 years.  I'll be applying to Wu Hsing Tao in Seattle.  Seattle is not my first choice to live in, but that is my top choice school.  If that doesn't work out, I'll try to get into an acupuncture school in San Francisco (I have fantasies of chilling in the Mission and stuffing my face with tacos all day).

Carnaval at Sitges

Last night we went to Sitges to party for Carnaval.  I made sure to pack my backpack full of the essentials:

• a beverage (because I'm not about to pay 10€ for a well drink)
• toilet paper (hygiene is not a priority in Spanish bathrooms)
• camera (to capture the ridiculous)
• water (duh)

I went over to Dharma's place to get ready.  That included more than an hour of gluing sparkles to my face.  We met some friends at Passeig de Gracia to catch the train to Sitges; it's about an hour outside Barcelona.  There was a moment of unease as we stood on the platform and realized we were the only ones dressed up...people kept taking photos of us...I was a super gay Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.  Thankfully, after we got on the train, the next stop was full of screaming cavemen, flight attendants, batmen, and other riff raff.  

We had a quick bite to eat at Super Pollo (kind of like an El Pollo Loco without corn tortillas and with booze).  We were treated to dinner and a show when the place was crashed by a gang of screaming chickens.  I ingested an unhealthy amount of glitter.  After Super Pollo we headed to the beach to find more friends.  It was packed.  My costume disintegrated throughout the night from being jostled, squished, and smashed.  There was dancing, drinking, and general merriment in the streets.  Despite it being  connected to the beginning of Lent, the closest thing to religious significance were gangs of slutty nuns and priests.  

Dharma and I headed back during the wee hours of the morning and I was in bed by 5ish.  I woke up again at 10 to make some breakfast and walk my Duke.  Today was the Barcelona Marathon and Duke and I watched it at Pl. Catalunya for awhile trying to see our friend Johann running in it, but no such luck.  I've mostly been in bed all day eating chocolate and watching "Shit My Dad Says".  Good weekend.

Shell malfunction

Vagabonds

Me and my pup are looking for a new room again.  Summer is coming and I would like to find a cheaper room to save money for the teaching off-season...preferably less than 300 euros.  Know of anything?

The Warrior and the Mystic

This video sums up a lot of my thoughts on politics at the moment and it is something I'm practicing little by little.